Last week, after my fun at the out patient center, I realized that I have some wisdom I can impart to you, my dear readers. You may have the need for some interpretation knowledge I can share with you.
Medical professionals (doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists, physicians assistants, someone who has to poke you with a needle, whatever) have their own language and I’ve been around the Horn a few times. I’ve picked up the lingo. I’ve figured out the code. I’ve taken a hit for you, so you can be more prepared.
You’re welcome.
So, here are some common medical terms/sayings/quotes and what they actually mean, for your benefit:
“I’m usually great at putting IVs in.” MEANING: I don’t usually do this and I’m hoping it goes well this time.
“I’m going to give you a little something to numb the area.” MEANING: I’m going to hurt you before I hurt you more.
“You’re going to feel some pressure.” MEANING: You will either feel like someone is actually standing on your (insert body part where the pressure is being applied) or like someone dropped an anvil on your (insert body part where the pressure is being applied).
“You might feel a little sting.” MEANING: You will think you’ve been bitten by a rattlesnake or set on fire.
“You’ll probably be sore for a few days.” MEANING: You’ll wonder if we actually hit you repeatedly with a baseball bat while you were under.
“Try not to get behind in your pain medication.” MEANING: If you do, you’ll never catch up and will wish you had a morphine drip at your bedside.
“You’ll only need the pain meds for a little bit.” MEANING: After that you’ll pass out from the pain, so you won’t need the meds.
“Try to follow your physical therapy routine.” MEANING: You will hate us while you do it, but you’ll be better quicker, possibly putting me out of a job, so I’m ok if you forget.
“You could be a little swollen.” MEANING: You might resemble the Pillsbury Dough Boy or the Elephant Man in your (insert body area that has been messed with).
Ok, so there ya’ go. Your lesson for the week. I hope it helps you the next time you find yourself confronted with a medical professional that speaks to you, assuming you don’t know the code, smirking on the inside.
Ha, now you can fool them because you are medical terminology pro, so you can smirk too. And possibly moan.
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