Letter to Myself 15 Years Ago

by GfG on January 16, 2012 · 10 comments

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Dear Mama of Only Mere Hours,

The day has arrived.  Your firstborn child is in your arms.

I know you are a bit loopy from the anesthesia and other drugs from your unplanned c-section, but the emotions flooding you are real and not narcotic induced.

The love is unbridled and uncontainable right now.  That won’t change.   Actually, it will grow to epic proportions as you see her accomplish every new task and as you see her become the person God has designed her to be.  She is so much more than a warm, snugly newborn and your love will mature with her.

The amazement is palpable and paralyzing.  That feeling will not be debilitating for long, but you will never cease to be amazed by the arrival of a baby because it is amazing.  Seriously.  While you will always feel a rush of warmth up your chest when you see a new life, you will not always be paralyzed by the presence of a new life waiting to be cared for and loved.

The fear is rushing in and heavy right now.  That will lessen every day that you hold your daughter, but it will never fully disappear.  Mothers are known for their anxiety regarding their children and you are no different.  God will take this load from you if you ask Him, truly.  Don’t wait as long as I fear you might.

I know you are struggling with dissatisfaction at having to have a c-section instead of the natural birth you longed for so long.  There was no water birth.  There was no holding your baby on your stomach as soon as she came out.  There was no feeling of fulfillment as you pushed forth your child.  While God did design the woman’s body to deliver a child, He is not absent or disappointed when a child is brought into the world through the scalpel that insures you and the child are safe.  He was there in that operating room.   He was there when you became a mother.  And He was pleased.

Fend off the depression by truly believing that the most beautiful ending to labor is a living and breathing mother and child pair. Fight off the bitterness by remembering that God is sovereign and has a plan in you having a baby through cesarean-section.     Fight off the anger by refusing to accept the teaching of many women that you are a second class labor and delivery participant. You have been given much in having a child and getting the chance to mother her.  Remember that sooner than you plan to right now.

Mindy, this little, precious, swaddled bundle of new life is breaking your heart already.   I know you are worried that you will mess up and affect her negatively and break her heart.  The truth is, you will.  You are human, not Jesus.  You are a mother, not God.  You are a vessel, not the Spirit.   There is so much more joy ahead of you than difficulty.

This baby girl will grow to be more than you even hope right now.  She will be known for loving well written books, for appreciating beauty of all kinds, for enjoying study of theology, for knowing God’s Word, for choosing carefully whom she gives her affection to, for appreciating nature and for helping those who don’t seem to fit in well.   She will make you proud, but you’ll grow to know that your efforts were blessed only because God desired to bless them.

She will be funny and pretty and a true delight.

Just as you will not be a perfect mother because you were not meant to be, she will not be a perfect daughter because she is not meant to be.   BUT … She will be more than enough for your heart.  And then some.

As you sort through all your emotions today, stop and take a slow deep breath.  Why?  Because the time will fly by even more quickly than the older women from church are telling you it will.  Seriously.

Today, just stop and thank the LORD for choosing to give you this gift.

Actually, it’s a good idea to do it for the next fifteen years too.  And more.

Love,

Yourself 15 Years from January 16, 1997

 

*If your c-section experience was not a birth experience you wanted and you want to have more children, buy my book (Make the Most of Your C-Section: Prepare for a More Natural & Personalized Birth) to learn how to advocate for a more family centered birth!

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Robin January 16, 2012 at 9:11 am

Looooove it!!! I also love the photo of that BEAUTIFUL 15 year old young lady. :0)

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Jan Tessier January 16, 2012 at 9:57 am

Wow! This was just what I needed, as I falter through loving my new, precious bundle. I will read this over and over. Give HB my love!!!

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The Reader January 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Wow. What a precious way to reflect on a child’s birthday….wow.

Happy Birthday to her.

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GfG January 16, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Thanks, H.
Nothing like becoming a mama. :)

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Heather January 16, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Just perfect and Happy Birthday HB!!!!! You are every bit as wonderful as your mom says :-)

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Kristin February 4, 2012 at 1:26 pm

That was absolutely lovely….

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Margaret Green February 13, 2012 at 10:58 pm

What a beautiful word. I remember that day Mindy when you tried so hard to labor natural. God had a plan and look at all the people you are touching and sharing His grace with. Your children are beautiful. God bless you.

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GfG February 13, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Margaret!!
What a delightful surprise to hear from my L&D nurse! You were such a jewel that night/morning. Then, for you to schedule yourself to be with me when The Boy’s c-section was scheduled, well… that forever cemented your awesomeness. :-)
Thank you for the kind words. He has blessed me abundantly.
Hugs!

(P.S. How did you find me?!)

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Maria April 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Beautiful. Somehow it always seems hardest to remember to
Love, have grace for, and enjoy the oldest without
Reminding ourselves of our own flaws and the grace that covers.

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Christy February 27, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Hello, I just stumbled across your blog and just want to say thank you so much for this post! My first baby is 3 months old and I also had an unplanned c-section. I felt so much guilt afterwards it was awful. I read that you’re supposed to breastfeed immediately – I didn’t. I read that your body doesn’t produce that rush of hormones if you have an epidural – would I not bond with my son because of that? Anyway thanks for posting this – the internet is too full of natural birth stories that make me feel guilty! And Jesus says that we are free from guilt! I need constant reminders that God planned my son’s birth perfectly.

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