Over fifteen years ago Paul and I made a controversial decision about our parenting. We only talked about it among good friends because we knew it would be poorly received by many. Then Daniel entered the picture and we had to discuss it somewhat since he was twelve.
What was the big deal? We were going to raise our children to not date socially.
Naturally, this brings images of arranged marriages, daughters pining in a tower, and children who become miserable young adults with no idea how to relate to the opposite gender.
That is not the case at all.
Another time, I’ll share our general vision for how we have handled this and how we hope to handle the courtship idea, today I just want to share why we think the American activity of dating is a bad idea and why we are raising our children to not follow the crowd in this area. If this idea is new to you, hear me out.
So that we have an understanding, we define the dating game/social dating as the following: an activity that establishes a romantic relationship and strong emotional connection, involving alone time, and physical aspects, often developing exclusivity, but not necessarily, with no purpose other than the enjoyment of both parties.
Why we won’t allow the typical American dating game and/or social dating in our house:
It sets up an unwise pattern. The behavior of share your heart, break up, share your heart, break up, share your heart, again and again is not wise. We believe marriage is a life long covenant. With the divorce rate crazy high, we don’t want to set up our children for the idea that if you grow apart or become greatly different people, it’s ok to “break up”. The line “dating is practice for divorce” spoke to our hearts immediately.
It creates an identity mindset. The dating game starts young in the US and from that point on, many, if not most, kids and teens find identity in who they are dating or at the very least that they are dating. Instead of finding their identity in Christ and who God made them, they find value in who hangs on their arm. This usually leads into the next issue.
It fosters dependence. Not only do children and young adults start to find their identity in who they date, but they often become dependent on this definition of themselves. If there is not a boy/girlfriend for them, they feel incomplete and odd. How heartbreaking.
It puts our children in seriously tempting situations. Dating creates all kinds of scenarios that put horrid temptations too close for comfort. Of course, the big one that comes to mind is the physical sin of premarital sex. Read the statistics on teen sexual activity. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to connect the dating dots to the sex dots to the teen pregnancy (and abortion) dots. We see no need to put our children in this kind of situation.
Actually, we see the opposite: as their parents we are called to protect them, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This means they are given opportunities and situations that are fit to their maturity, nothing more and nothing less. Expecting anyone to resist the temptation for sexual sin when alone with a boy/girlfriend as their relationship grows deeper is a stretch. Expecting them to do this for years is a bit naive. For teens, even more so.
It does not have life long benefits. We believe social dating only has down sides. The argument that you learn about yourself is useless to me because there are plenty of ways to learn about yourself and about how to relate to others (serving in some capacity is the best, in my opinion) as a young adult that don’t have the plethora of negatives. Ask most people about the life long effects and, if they are honest, they would admit that the cons were/are astounding.
It involves maturity not available during the childhood and most teen years. Kids dating is often seen as innocent, but we really don’t think it is. Sharing your heart, your body (even in just hand holding), and your time is not something to be taken lightly. It is a big decision that involves all kinds of factors, requiring maturity, self control, and wisdom.
It is a game instead of an intentional godly decision. Dating in America is something to just do instead of something that is in step with finding a spouse. We tell our children, “You should not start considering someone romantically, until you believe you are prepared for marriage.” Until that time, friendships are what help you grow and learn how to relate to the opposite gender.
It mocks marriage privileges. We don’t want our children to have romantic physical and emotional ties to anyone other than their spouse. Dating imitates marriage in ways that are inappropriate, allowing someone to have privileges they shouldn’t. When a boy/girlfriend claims another, whether in word or deed, they are flying in the face of God’s plan. Marriage is where someone gets to say, “I am my beloved. My beloved is mine.”
It places a young person outside of their God given authority and protection. We believe that our children are placed under our authority for a number of reasons. One of the most important is that it protects them. When kids/teens start dating, that protection is either removed or far from a place that can actually offer protection during a time in which they most need it. It also gives some authority to the boy/girlfriend, who should not have it.
It plays with something that may not be in their future. While we hope our children are gifted marriage, they may not be. We have friends who have prayed for a spouse, but remain single. Social dating from a young age put something in front of them repeatedly that may not actually be for them. It’s a bit like a bait and switch.
It can affect their marriage, if they do marry. Repeated relationships and especially long time intimate ones can actually have negative effects on a marriage. If sex is involved, even more so! We want our children to enter marriage with as pure of a heart as possible and that includes emotional ties and memories.
We encourage, equip, and exhort our children in the privileges, responsibilities, joys, and benefits of marriage. We remind them to pray for God’s will in their lives and trust as He leads.
We do not want to place stumbling blocks before them, but instead want to build them up. We believe social dating is a mine field of disaster and choose not to send them into it.
Why do you think social dating is or isn’t a good idea?
Be sure to come back for further explanation and discussion! This is just the intro. ;-)
Next post in the series: Dating Differently: Jan’s Story, Part 1
Second in the series: Linda’s Story
Third: Marissa and Tellan’s Courtship
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
We fall somewhere between allowing casual, social dating and a full-on courtship model. Basic guidelines we’ve laid out for our kids —
–friendship should be the focus, not romance
–group get-togethers, hanging out with family, etc. are great ways to get to know a friend better (inside or outside the structure of a “couple”)
-no friends in the house when mom & dad aren’t home; period.
-dating/romance are not to be taken lightly and certainly a girlfriend should never be someone you wouldn’t first be friends with
I’m not 100% sold on disallowing dating all together, rather just prefer to take the emphasis off romance and keep it on friendship. I don’t think one needs to be ready for marriage before having any sort of romantic relationship though. Perhaps because with all boys, “ready for marriage” means through college, with a job able to support a family and the idea that a teen could go through those years w/o having feelings for someone seems odd to me. Most likely because I met & started dating my husband while we were in high school, though we didn’t marry until after/the end of college.
With that as our journey, I don’t feel the need to prohibit dating so long as we do manage to provide a structure or framework for a healthier version of it than what I had. I just don’t think a full courtship model is the only way to achieve a healthy start on that path.
I do think a lot of the pitfalls you mentioned are absolutely true, and I hope our model will help protect against most of that.
I like your guidelines.
I think you might be surprised at how we define/how to implement this with our children.
Your points will be a part of the the next post and for further discussion. I enjoy discussing these things with you.
sorry to jump ahead
I look forward to the future posts. I don’t think I’ll be surprised, rather, I look forward to how it plays out/what you share, which I know will be God-honoring, family-honoring, and not restrictive but supportive, as are pretty much all the things I’ve ever seen you share about how you parent your children.
I didn’t mean to imply that I felt your model would necessarily be what I consider “full-on courtship”, or that I disagreed with your stance. I, too, love discussing these things with you; I learn so much. You are the embodiment for me of iron sharpening iron.
Oh, thank you, H/Reader.
I don’t mind you jumping ahead. It piques the interest for others.
I didn’t feel your comments were negative in any way. I’m so grateful for how you believe my posts are shared. It’s my heart to share in grace AND truth. To encourage outside the box thinking and, as you said, ” to be God-honoring, family honoring, and supportive.
Thank you!
This is such a great post! I was a young women who was allowed to date way too young. God used that path to teach me valuable lessons but I have some scars that I carry around. My husband and I have 3 beautiful girls…the oldest turning 5 this June. We have discussed similar dating beliefs. While I am sure we will lock them down as the girls get a little older, it is nice to know that we wouldn’t be the only ones saying “no” to dating at the age of 12.
Bless you for listening to God and writing this post.
You are definitely not alone. The movement for rejecting the American dating gig is growing. There are families that fall all along the spectrum. I am encouraged that parents are thinking past the “just do what everyone else is doing” mentality.
Thank you for the encouragement.
Totally agree! Our children will be allowed to court, and will always be chaperoned.
Thanks for chiming in, Alix.
So refreshing!!!! I wish my own parents had been more proactive in managing my dating. I think you and Paul have a beautiful understanding of relationships. Steve and I will be having a more in depth conversation sparked by this post. Thanks for sharing!
I look forward to hearing about your discussions as well as further ones here about the topic.
When I was fairly young, this is the way I felt. I refused a few dating offers because they didn’t feel right. Then, when I was 20, I settled. I was tired of waiting for the right person to come along. That was the biggest mistake of my life. There is nothing casual about dating casually. I want to teach that to my children so they don’t make the same bad choices that I did.
We fall somewhere in the middle as well. Our church warns us against dating until they are 16, and even then to only go on group dates. And to only date others who have the same standards. There is more, but I haven’t looked into it entirely as my oldest is only 5. But my husband and I have discussed it, and Sydney already knows that if any boy ever asks her out she is to tell him to ask her daddy. As a teen I went back and forth with then idea of dating, not being able to decide if it was a good idea. I didn’t understand how my friends could go from boy to boy, I knew my heart would be crushed and that I wanted to get married, and that dating was how I would meet my future spouse. I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 17. He tried to break it off once because his mother firmly believes in never seriously dating until you are ready to get married (no sexual relationships though) and I told him no. I loved him, he loved me. Why should we break up? He said that was one of the reasons he knew then that he wanted to marry me, because I was willing to fight for our relationship. I think we just meet each other too young.
Oh and Jordan wants a dowery. He says he should be paid if some guy wants to take his daughters away.
Great article! Couldn’t agree with you more! My husband and I approached courtship in the manner you described about 9 years ago. Of course we were different than most, even older than most to approach it in such a way. But our convictions led us to the same conclusions you proposed. Dating/social dating can lead to some serious downfalls. We should always try to protect our hearts and bodies. For they are the temple of God and God deserves our worship through our minds and bodies. We shouldn’t give that intimacy that is due to God, to casually flow onto others. He created us to have one other intense intimate relationship besides that one with Him, and that is with our spouse. I applaud your parental decisions and say, we are in the same boat with you. We may not be liked by society or even our children when we get to that age, but we long to be Holy not Happy, and we want the same for our children….often times striving for the Holy can make you happy:)
Our family has also decided to take the no dating approach. I appreciate your well organized explaination! I look forward to your future posts.
Great blog. For me as a parent I can’t find much to disagree with at all.
When I was single in the 90s there was a popular book called “Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” It was quite persuasive. I tried to live it out. However, it fell short in terms of helping people who were ready to marry to actually do something to find a mate. If you are not going to date, it was not like there was a whole culture of Christians subscribing to courtship, at least where I lived.
So I think as parents its wise to keep kids from romantic entaglements before their time, but also to bless young adults to intentionally pursue marriage when the time is right as well. Dating without an intent to marry is like going to the grocery store when you are hungry without any money. But if that intent and readiness is there in young adulthood, providing acccountability and activities is also helpful.
Steve, I agree. That book was so influential in the “take off” aspect, but not so helpful in the “put on” area. I hope you’ll come back to share your thoughts on the next posts on the topic. Courtship has come to mean many things to people. It really is a spectrum.
Thanks for commenting.
Our children are 21, 19, 15, and twins 13. Everything you said us all I’ve wanted to share with others and never could put to words. Thank you for sharing.
Now that our eldest is 21 and still single, it becomes more difficult to keep on keeping on, but she knows it will be worth it when she does finally meet her man! Our 19 year old had a girlfriend for a time, but it was something he went into with all four parents approval (his and her parents) but it didn’t work out. What a blessing it was for him to know he remained pure and never took what belonged to her future husband. They were able to go their seperate ways without the extra pain a physical relationship would have caused. It was painful enough emotionally!
I hope to share your post on my own blog if I can find the words to introduce our own thoughts.
Thank you, Pietra. I look forward to hearing how things have gone as this series develops.
GREAT post! Love the approach and have struggled with the best approach for our three. I can say, you absolutely described me as a teen. I had no concept of who I was and because of routes I took, it was years and a LOT of pain before I figured it out, with God’s help. What you are stressing here puts into words my feelings and picture of God’s emotional plan for our hearts! Overcoming the temptations of society would be such a blessing to anyone looking back.
B
I check your blog when I have that rare moment of time and I’ve always found something uplifting, educational, and thought-provoking. Thank you.
I agree wholeheartedly with your family decision and love how well you state your reasoning.
My husband and I have discussed this as well. My own thoughts were originally guided by the book mentioned previously (“I Kissed Dating Goodbye”) and his follow-up,both of which I stumbled upon post-marriage but pre-kidlets. I did not know Christ until my 20s (and lived a life reflective of that emptiness) and was amazed by the wisdom of choosing not to follow common dating activities. I wasted so much precious time focused on one boy or another (few of which I can even recall their names) and in compromising positions which I really wasn’t ready to handle that sadly led to compromised purity physically/spiritually/etc as well as mental scars that I was, particularly as a nonbeliever, ill-equipped to work through. Our children can use that time doing so many other things – volunteering & serving, studying, playing a sport, reading, etc – really learning who they are, and more importantly, who they are in Christ… becoming the person Christ intended and spending time in relationship with Him.
I look forward to reading further how your family has planned to implement this.
/Ibee
How naive to think that you will actually be able to control the thoughts and actions of another human being as they come of age. I am not saying I disagree with the underlying principle, but the expectations here are entirely unrealistic.
hmm, Ben, I agree that you can’t control the thoughts and actions of another human being. But, I also know that the way in which GfG has raised her children is very similar to mine, she knows who her children’s friends are, and who the parents of these friends are, helping to ensure that her children are surrounded by like minded families who teach their children to stay pure and take the idea of marriage very seriously. I think that you might be a little naive to how well it actually can work, when done properly. I have seen many families successfully raise their children to court instead of date, and they are very grateful for it today!
Amen, Mindy. Our older 2 children courted (no dating) their “intended”, and it was wonderful. We will use the same method for our younger five as well.
Steve,
I love what you said : “Dating without an intent to marry is like going to the grocery store when you are hungry without any money. But if that intent and readiness is there in young adulthood, providing acccountability and activities is also helpful.”
I met and started dating my husband in high school. I broke it off the first year of college to make sure that I was making the right decision – if God brought us back together, then it was right. He did, and we dated for another 4 years before getting married right after college. He is truly my soul mate. I am so blessed to have found him so easily. I never had dated anyone seriously before him (longer than 2 weeks
and he was my first and last kiss. I was not ready to get married in high school. But I was also taught not to date casually. It may have helped that no one ever “asked me out”. Maybe it was God’s way of protecting my heart. I had continuously asked God to save my heart, and that came from good parenting. We were not completely chaste while we were dating/engaged. But it was a weekly struggle for us (we saw each other on the weekends). My deep rooted desire to stay pure until our wedding night, against Satan’s tug on our wordly desires. My mom was very vocal about her feelings toward our spending time alone on the weekends, so that voice of guilt played a role too.
One thing that bothers me is that my parents became more lenient with both of my younger sisters. Standards were lowered, and I think they just decided to give up. Maybe it was because my middle sister was SO difficult to deal with/influence, and the just got tired.
Now my daughter is almost 4, and this post sparks questions about how we are going to raise her, and how to be intentional with her. Such a good reminder. And as always, God loves our children even more than we do, and will turn everything to His good.
I am so glad that although I do not yet have children of my own, I am not alone in how I feel about dating… I am not sure I will go to the lengths you have in “restrictions” of the dating world (for lack of a better term), But I do believe dating is Strictly for the purpose of marriage… I was allowed to date at 13 per my parents rules… I was way way way to young to understand what dating was about then, I did keep my promise to God and not have permarital actions, but you are so right about the emotions it takes away from marriage sometimes… I am blessed to have a christian husband whom also waited and we do share that, however he does not have much of a history of dating… and I truly believe he is much better off than I who has dated and have those memories some ok, and some not so much… I hope that one day I can help my future children that there is a bigger picture to dating than just trying to “fit in” its is ALL about marriage, if you are meant to be married in God’s will!… Thank you for your post I look forward to reading more!
Wonderful post! Thank you, so much for sharing. A beautiful summary. My husband and I completely agree. We have four boys and a daughter and couldn’t agree more with all you said. We began teaching/showing examples of this when they were little, so when they got to be teens it wasn’t a shock. They have been learning all along what godly friendships/courtship, etc. look like and contrasting them with the whole dating scene. They have always known that until they are old enough to be the spiritual leader of their home, and provide for a wife and family, their is no need for a relationship with the opposite sex other than friendship. Thanks again for beautifully communicating all of what you did. All for the sake of honoring and glorifying God in all their relationships with the opposite sex, and with their own hearts, minds and bodies.
I enjoyed reading your thoughts. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. As we have been raising our nine children , ages 4-25. along life’s journey, we too have encouraged and mentored our children to not seek out typical dating relationships. Our oldest met his wife in the mission field, began a courtship relationship and were married within a year. They are now expecting their second child. It has been a beautiful example of guarding their hearts and minds until marriage.
Blessings, Jamie
lifefullyloaded.com
Thank you for this article GfG, you made some good points here. My children are still young but my husband and I have discussed what we will teach them and much of it is in agreement your ideology. I dated someone for a couple months when I was 16 and decided I was a poor judge of character and that I would not date again until God spoke to me telling me “this is the man I have for you.” After that I did everything I could to serve God and honor Him in every aspect of my life and especially in my thought life. It was lonely at times, and I was teased for not dating, being a virgin, and being a “prude” but I kept on. I relied on God to be my spouse and friend and I remained uninvolved for almost two years. One day I realized I was attracted to a friend of mine, a godly young man I loved and respected. The first thing I did was avoid him thinking I didn’t want to be detracted from God will for my life. This was hard since we went to the same church and saw each other on a regular basis, for some reason we ended up talking about “I Kissed Dating Good Buy” and realized we had the same views on courtship, dating, missionary work, raising children, friendships with the opposite sex, and some theological and biblical issues. We were in agreement with so many things we decided to continue our friendship while prayerfully considering whether or not we were called to marry each other. A year and a half later we were married and we have been married for almost seven years now. Marriage is not easy, motherhood is not easy but when I am discouraged or uncertain about what God has called me to be and do, I am certain I am were I am supposed to be because I followed God’s directions in the Bible concerning marriage, purity, and courtship. I hope My children are victorious in this area of their lives as well but I know the choice concerning sexual purity and letting God chose ones partner is a choice they have to make for themselves.
To ‘The Reader’ :
Respectfully, lovely lady, your model will NOT guard against the pitfalls this blogger outlined in her article. It’s a very rare teen or young adult who can resist physical or emotional bonds – even when wisely dating. Physicality, by itself, is designed by God to be progressive or we’d never propagate the species! I was a college-and-careers church leader and a very young Christian school leader (18 yrs) when I became intimately involved with another Christian young man at my church. I loved God … but it didn’t matter. The heart can be desperately wicked and sexual desire is meant to sleep until marriage – any romantic touching awakens it. Please pray and read about this subject.
~ Mom of 3 kiddos (2 graduates) who have watched Christian friends, homeschooled or otherwise, fall away through this trap.
It is sad that in your desire to raise Godly children, you have the mistaken belief that a parents role is to control the life of their adult or soon to be adult children. Our role as parents is to train a child to be able to make proper decisions, not make the decisions for them.
For every person who feels they made the perfect decision by waiting on dating till they were spouse hunting, there are multitudes of unhappy or broken marriages because young men or women had no idea what kind of person they were compatible with enough to spend 50-60 years with. Many jumped at the first person that would spend time with them with disastrous results.
I think it is important to remember that the Jewish nation considered a young man an adult at 12 years of age. He was a man, trained in the way he should go, and advised that a man, when he takes his wife, should LEAVE his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife.
I say that we should concern ourselves with raising confident young men and women with a faith they own, not imposed on them.
Will they make some poor decisions or choices and son? Very likely. But God is faithful and will forgive them and they will grow in His grace and become stronger in their faith and love of God.
Thinking we can raise perfect children if they just do what we tell them in reality sends the message that we CAN be perfect and don’t actually need salvation.
Getting back to dating, there is a huge difference in 10-12 year olds dating then in 15-16 year olds spending time with each other to find out what kind of person they are attracted to.
Proper upbringing will mean that not every teenager date ends in sexual intercourse. Have some faith in God, your children and the work you’ve done to raise them