Dear Husbands of Wives Who Have Said They are Unhappy,
First of all, I want to thank you for staying married. Thank you for honoring your vows. Know that I have come to fully appreciate that being married through thick and thin is difficult.
I want to share a bit of my heart with you because I care about your marriage and I care about each of your hearts.
Remember that conversation that has happened numerous times now? The one where your wife expresses how unhappy she is with the relationship you two have. The one where she shares her heart and how it is breaking. The one where she describes the awful feeling of being married to someone she doesn’t know anymore.
That conversation is painful to start and painful to verbally share. It means she has been feeling it much longer than you realize and longer than she probably realizes also.
Don’t get me wrong, I know marriages go through hard times. It’s a part of living a lifetime with someone. I also know that marriage is difficult. Again, living a lifetime (which is a really long time) with someone is not easy.
I also know that some marriages break during those hard times. I don’t want that for you.
I want to warn you about something I have observed in woman these last forty-ish years of my life: women get to a pivotal point in marriages. I wish this were not true. I wish I had not seen it on their faces and heard it in their voices. I wish they would have hope always.
There is a point where a woman’s heart shuts down in regards to a man’s attempts at reconciliation and it will take near miraculous effort to bring her back to love. I wish I could tell you I haven’t seen it in real life, but I have. I’ve heard it in their voices and watched them walk away from marriages.
If you continue to ignore her cries for help, you continue to blow them off, or you continue to fuel the flame of distance, then you will find yourself alone in your bed. Long term.
Please know that I’m not blaming you for all of the issues in your marriage. I’m not. Seriously.
I am, however, telling you that you two are in trouble.
I am, however, begging you to see these pleas for rescue.
I am, however, asking you to be the leader you are called to be in regards to saving your marriage. Take the initiative to fix the problems. Be the one who leads both of your hearts back to unity.
God asks you to “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:8b) and if the rejoicing is gone, action is necessary.
How can you do this? There are lots of ways, but they all involve self sacrifice and humility. I know, not popular gigs.
You will have to lay down pride, personal time, and maybe even a little money to do what is necessary to heal your wife’s broken heart and to repair the damage done to your lifelong covenant.
What could you do? Go to marriage counseling, do a marriage Bible study, pray together every day, meet with a trusted older married couple often for counsel and encouragement, go to a marriage retreat, or other ideas that I am willing to wager your wife could bring to the table.
And though I’m not blaming you for the problems in your marriage, if your wife has expressed unhappiness in your marriage and also asked for a joint effort in fixing it and you ignore these conversations, then you will be to blame when she gives up. When the door to adultery and/or divorce beckons her.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not condoning adultery at all. I’m not condoning divorce for unhappiness. Nope. Not at all. I am saying, though, that you have a responsibility in sustaining the love and fellowship of your marriage. She can’t do that on her own.
Don’t leave her vulnerable.
I am betraying the chick circle a little bit by telling you this, but I am heartbroken to continually hear women talk about how they have told their husbands how unhappy they are, how they have wept in front of their husbands for their marriage, and how they state that they feel as if they have roommates instead of husbands.
They express a hopelessness in the one relationship that is to be grounded in hope.
I want joy for you and your wife. I want love for you and your wife. I want unbroken covenant for you both.
Please… please… take steps to save the love in your marriage. You could be saving your actual marriage.
In Loving Concern,
A Woman Who Cares