Judgement in and for the Adoption Community

by GfG on March 27, 2014 · 9 comments

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Sigh.  I thought there would be more of an understanding community within the adoption circle, but judgment against one another’s decisions are there just as much as other groups.  And judgement against those who adopt and they way they choose to do it.  I shouldn’t be surprised, really.  Sin nature is sin nature.

Each adoption journey is unique.  I’ve already learned this, though we are barely out of the gate in ours.  The many decisions faced by a couple that has baggage, issues, and situations to think through as individuals and then the same ones as a couple are serious.

Adoption is very different from getting pregnant as a couple.  Very.

I can’t even describe the varying questions that have to be addressed to adopt.

And sadly, that’s where people start bashing one another.  Here are a few of the most common things adoptive parents hear:

“Why aren’t  you adopting from the foster system?  There are plenty of kids there.”

“Why would you adopt a baby, when you could adopt an older child that is waiting?”

“Why are you going to another country to adopt when there are babies and children here?”

“How can you justify spending that amount of money for a child?”

“Why won’t you go adopt a special needs child that needs to find a home soon?”

Sigh.

Each of these questions are seriously loaded.  And each of them are not easily answered.  They come with an incredible amount of issues and even hurdles.

And they are incredibly personal.

One route may not be a fit for a couple for so many reasons.  And that is perfectly ok.

Adoption Collage WEB

It breaks my heart that people judge the decisions of another for adoption.

Instead of bashing one another’s decision for adoption route, we should rejoice that children find forever families.  Each needs one and that’s what it’s all about.

Deciding the route for adoption is more difficult than choosing a college, but most people seem to understand that there are many variables that come into play for that decision.  It’s more complicated than buying a car, but again there is no questioning about where you do that.  It’s more personal than deciding a home to live in, but the number of questions is even more weighty.

I pray that more and more people stop judging the route for adoption and focus on the end result: an eternal soul gets a forever family and a forever family gets another member.

How can we help stop the judging against adoption routes?

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

jan March 27, 2014 at 6:52 am

Oh no! Don’t let others’ judgement steal your joy! Move forward in love toward this wonderful experience. Eyes up and not on others. We cannot control others’ judgments, but rather our reactions to such. Eyes on the prize, sister!! Eyes on the prize!

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GfG March 27, 2014 at 7:37 am

Thanks, friend. I’m mostly fine about it because I know this is our path. I feel for the women in the community that hears this from one another and from others. It has surprised me.

We can all love beautifully, on our God directed paths.

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Laurie March 27, 2014 at 3:30 pm

One of my favorite personal stories is that I grew up jealous of my brother who is five years younger than I. I was jealous BECAUSE he was adopted and I was not. He was chosen. My family just got what they got with me.

Then, the Lord came in and said, “For you have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father’.” Romans 8:15

He didn’t choose me because I was the right age, the right color or the the right kind of needy. He chose me because He loved me from the foundation of the world.

The little one waiting for you has also been chosen from the foundation of the world to receive that same Spirit of adoption on many levels. (One spirit has a capital and one does not.)

Just as you have prayed about the size of your family (and we prayed about the size of ours), stand in knowing that He will also be the guide of this next one, just as He guided you on all the others.

Blessings!

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GfG March 27, 2014 at 4:18 pm

I just all kinds of love you!

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Carrie March 27, 2014 at 3:38 pm

As a family that has had to postpone adopting from the foster system (I felt called to this group, rather than foreign) since I am expecting #5. I have found that comments & questions range from the curious to the stupid. I’m not sure we can ever truly get away from the less than tactful comments. I’ve found a nice way to illuminate for someone what they have said is let them know that adoption is a form of a calling. There are many types of families that are called to it. Please pray that families that are a good fit for the children/infant you are concerned about hear & answer the call to adoption.

I think now matter which group you adopt from there are going to be ridiculous comments. I can’t expect others to not make them because I too have made stupid comments in my maturing process. I’ve had to grow out of making so many & to grow a thicker skin in response to those who haven’t grown up enough. And I’ve had to pray for those I haven’t been able to apologize to. We all need time to grow in grace.

Best Wishes as you continue to grow your family!

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GfG March 27, 2014 at 4:19 pm

Great words, Carrie!

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mosey March 29, 2014 at 3:53 pm

I didn’t warn you about that? I didn’t warn you that you’ll lose friends? Sad but true of any path we Christians walk… makes me sick. :(

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Jeramie-Lee April 3, 2014 at 2:58 pm

I don’t know you personally so I can’t comment on where your heart is at. But please don’t assume because people are asking questions that they are always judging. There is a huge mess of adoption ethics right now and the only way this is going to get better is if we can communicate about it. There are valid concerns with adoption ethics. I’m not saying it can’t be done ethically but it’s not a bad thing to get people talking. Thanks for sharing your heart. :)

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GfG April 6, 2014 at 3:29 pm

Thank you, Jeramie-Lee. Yes, I don’t assume all are judging, just those with some kind of tell tale tone or non verbal, but you’re right it could be unrelated to their question, but to something within them.

I am praying the children affected by the “messes”.

Thank you for chiming in!

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