Abortion

by GfG · 13 comments

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I’ve had a lot to say about abortion.  Most of it is my abortion recovery story.

I honestly was mentally duped about abortion, but something inside me screamed against it anyway.  It continued screaming and then weeping and then dying.  Until I received healing a mere two years later.  Praise God.

Why share about abortion here?

  • I want women to know that keeping the secret can kill you slowly, even more than the dying part of you from the moment of the abortion.  Sharing with a few people (not necessarily the world wide web, like me) can bring healing.
  • I want pastors and Biblical counselors to know that the abortion statistics (google for most up to date info) tell you that there are hurting women in your congregation, bearing the shame, and possibly unforgiveness,  from one of the most awful sins to ever confess.  Don’t leave them there alone.
  • I want pro-abortion advocates to know they are deceived or are flat out lying and they know it.  I have heard them myself.  I have been them myself.
  • I want pro-life advocates to see there are many facets to this discussion and they all need to be rooted in love.  And grace.  And compassion.
  • I want everyone to know that through Jesus Christ, there is salvation from all sin as well as forgiveness.  Any sin.  Even the most horrid.

This issue will be a continually addressed on my blog.  Not weekly or even every other week, but it will be a common topic for these very reasons.

My Abortion Story, for your reading:

Part 1: An Abortion on February 16, 1990

Part 2: After the Abortion: Bound

Part 3: The Pivotal Moment (When I Learned Abortion was Wrong)

Part 4: Where God Pushed on My Heart about My Abortion (and I learned not to push back)

{more coming}

There are also other posts regarding abortion here on the blog.  Just type abortion in the search box in the side bar.

Abortion is horrid. For the baby, most of all.  For the woman, for the rest of her life.

I pray my story brings healing, hope, and honesty to an incredibly difficult topic.

If you are hurting from abortion, please know there is help to bring you hope and healing.  Truly.  The Bible study I did with two other women and a group leader, all post-abortive women, and later led other women through, was Women in Ramah.  There are more than a few Bible studies available now that can bring you peace, but only through Christ.

Please contact your local CareNet to ask about a group study (which I believe is much more helpful than doing one on your own).  Also, check out Surrendering the Secret.

As usual, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.  mindy(at)gmail(dot)com

Do my kids know?  The older three know.  I shared with HB before posting An Abortion on February 16, 1990.  I shared with Noah and Chloe the night before I was on the Dani Johnson show to share my story.  My other children do not know at this time.  We will tell them when we believe they are each ready to handle the information.  Please honor that.

To God be the glory!

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Peggy February 14, 2013 at 12:07 pm

so glad you shared this, makes me sad, but glad God has worked in your life so you can now share his love and mercy with all of us now as well. I was adopted when I was 4 days old and feel so blessed that my mother who was raped did not choose to abort me but give me a life that she could not provide. Thank God for showing her a way through a difficult time and still honoring God. I never met her but I hope she is in heaven and holding Jesus hand.

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GfG February 14, 2013 at 2:17 pm

Oh, Peggy!!! Thank you for sharing. I am so grateful for your mother’s choice too. I pray you two get to hug. :)

Women like her are my heroes.

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Kerrie February 16, 2013 at 10:23 am

23 years ago this coming February 26th part of me died. I lost my first daughter to abortion. No I wasn’t far enough along to know, but I know. I called her Jesse. Short for Jessica Lynn. I had prayed for her, but at 17 and naive I was numb and in shock when my parents received an anonymous phone call telling them I was pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant. It is surreal, like a movie playing in slow motion. Life moved on in regular speed around me but I was in extra slow motion, unable to comprehend or feel. When my mother took me to my boyfriend’s home and confronted him my heart was torn from my chest. Never to be the same, whole and unscarred, again. He stood almost nose to nose with my mom, hickies all over his neck – not from me!- and spoke these words ” I lovED Kerrie” I could hardly breath. The one person I trusted and loved with every cell of my being “loved” me. He said it in past tense. It destroyed me. the next day my parents had me at the doctor. I don’t remember alot. I remember the white sweatpants. the vacuum, my mom crying, and my hope to just fall asleep and never wake up.
23 years later I have 3 healthy children. I lost one to a miscarraige at 17 1/2 weeks. As I lost another daughter.. this time I knew, I expected it was my daughter for a daughter. Not God’s plan. But through my losses God has allowed me to help in saving 3 other children from the fate of abortion. I named my second daughter Faith Ann. Because of my faith in a sovereign and loving God I am saved and I will heal. That is why we named her Faith. I trust God and he works all things to the good. Upon my left foot I have a beautiful tatoo, a purple pansy for Jesse and a Yellow pansie for Faith. both my daughter’s birthstones. They will never be forgotten.

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GfG February 16, 2013 at 10:25 am

Oh, Kerrie!
Thank you for sharing. May you walking in newness of life!
I wish I could hug you right now.
in Him, Mindy

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Alison March 3, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for showing God’s love. God uses our failures, sins and blemishes to show us His love and to share it with others.

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Emily Cook October 28, 2013 at 1:10 pm

So, so glad you are sharing these words, as difficult as it is. We all need to hear them- all of us, sinners– but there is a special need for God’s people to speak boldly to those who still carry this heavy secret.

Blessings to you, and prayers for you and all who read your words.
Thanking God for His grace in Jesus with you…

Emily
http://www.weakandloved.com

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Jessica February 21, 2014 at 12:05 pm

Heard you share on Dani Johnson today. I wanted to share an entry from my journal.

Today there were visitors outside of my church. Visitors that were determined to shock, anger, and engage an emotional response from us. Their particular topic of interest was Abortion. They had signs and pictures of a tiny baby that had been aborted. They were graphic, emotional charged, and in my opinion unnecessary photos. This stirred an emotional response within me that I just could not shake off. Trust me, I tried.
Here is my opinion and I preface this by saying it is 100% my opinion. I’m not speaking for my church, on behalf of all Christians, and there may be even some family that do not agree. But I am going to share it anyway because that is just my style.
We are focusing on the wrong part of this decision. There were so many more chances to stop an abortion before we even get to the pregnant woman deciding whether or not to “keep her child. We get passionately involved in spreading the LOVE of Jesus Christ, we can stop pretending like sex before marriage is somehow an unavoidable rite of passage, and surely we can WAKE UP to how we are parenting our children.
Before we go any further, let me preface this by saying one thing. I have been compelled to write this by God because of everything I have been through. I would not write this if God hadn’t asked me to, but He did. I have faith that He will use somehow. If for no other reason than to help me! I hope that is level of vulnerability will be matched with an equal level of respect. But alas, I live in a world where everyone has their opinions so I understand some may disagree with me. If that is the case, please don’t read the rest.
October 17th 2008. I had an abortion. There I said it. Yes. I did. I sinned, big time! I know. I didn’t think twice upon hearing the news that the test was positive. I open a phone book and tore out a page with a clinic’s name and go outside to call and make an appointment. I remember my exact words when the lady answered the phone. “Umm. Hello. Yes. I am pregnant and I need not to be.” I made the appointment and that was that. I remember that I made that decision without asking anyone else’s advice or opinion. I remember being in complete and udder fear and shame. There was no other thought. No other emotion. Just saw this as a problem that I could fix. So I drove myself to the clinic that day. It was an hour and a half away. I arrived at 6am. There was already a waiting room of three other women with their significant others there. I was alone. I wanted it that way. This was my burden, my decision, and a very vulnerable thing that I really didn’t trust anyone to handle the way I needed. So there I was in the waiting room, and on the back of my forms I had a pen in my hand. My mind and my hand went numb. I was zoned out. Detached. I started writing “No.” All over the back of this paper. I have no idea why this word. Really. I don’t. I had no excuse. No failed contraception, I was just simply in love with the idea that someone finally wanted me. So when the lady calls me back and takes into the room. I don’t remember anything about this room. I could not tell you want décor was in the room. Seriously, I am usually that girl that can tell you what everyone was wearing what magazines were on the table, everything. Nope. Not this time. All I remember is putting my legs in those stupid, awful, cold stirrups. I think I remember them strapping me to the table or something, I don’t remember for sure though. This is probably the most I have thought in detail about this since it happened so forgive me for being so vague. I do remember the nurse putting the mask on my face to put me under and then asking me to count back from a certain number. After that my next memory is the nurse walking me down the hallway, even though I am still out of it. I remember my arm is around her shoulder and another nurse asks her if she needs help with me. And I thought geez Jessica your even too fat for this nurse to carry by herself. God! You are such a burden.

…. Ugh! I almost got through typing all of this without crying. Almost. I am so in awe of just how low my self-esteem was. WHO THE HECK SAYS SOMETHING SO MEAN TO THEMSELVES LIKE THAT?!?!?! IN THAT MOMENT?!?!? ME. Apparently, that’s who.
Like I didn’t have enough to feel bad about already. Anyways, so then after that I just remember waking up on like this cot bed thing. As soon as my opened my eyes, figured out where I was, I jumped up and got my clothes on and headed to the front desk to check out. I remember lady telling me I should probably sleep a little more. But, I convinced her I was fine. I paid for the abortion with a check, and all the money in my account. She told me oh by the way you are O- so we had to give you a RhoGam shot so that will be an additional $75 dollars. I literally, visibly, gasped for air. I wrote the check, she handed me birth control pills, instructions for my follow up appointment, and pain medication prescription. I think. I might be wrong about that. But I remember I had to take some kind of medication.
I feel so weird writing this…How do I not remember more of this? Oh well. On we go.
So just like that. It was done. I was in pain. I was bleeding what left like buckets, and driving home. I took the day off work, it was a Friday. Lucky for me I thought, I would have the weekend to recover. It was homecoming week and people kept coming by my apartment to see if I wanted to go with them to partake in the festivities. I would barely poke my head out and tell them no and shut the door. I didn’t want them to see inside. They would have seen the blankets I had taped over the mirrors. They would have known something was up. I usually was the queen of hospitality. The pain was intense but it paled in comparison to the insatiable emptiness.
People try to make abortion sound like a smart responsible decision and the very few people I told respected my bravery. This didn’t really help. I didn’t feel brave. I felt like a coward. I had such a hard time with anger after that and had little regard for my life. I made reckless decisions and continued to have sex. The relationship that got me into this mess fizzled after that, it was no ridden with resentment and punishment, and many other unhealthy habits. It’s funny because I should have “learn my lesson the first time.” But I kept trying to feel a void the only way that made me feel good. Endlessly pursuing relationships. Dating. Having sex. It would always erupt violently and messy. And then on to the next one. It was an endless cycle of lust and distraction from all my real problems, and all my real heart’s desire.
So that is my story. Now the back to the reason why I say many people are focusing on the wrong part of this decision. I was looking for the LOVE of Jesus Christ, I just didn’t know it. To me, God was a big scary stern guy that basically only wanted to punish you when you screw up. Why I thought that? I don’t know. I wish someone would have seen me, told me that Jesus loves me just like he loved the Samaritan Women, just like he loved the prostitute, just like he loved the lady that washed his feet with perfume. I never read the bible for myself. I had no personal relationship with Christ. I never had a desire to know who He was. I knew that sex before marriage was not want I wanted. I liked the idea and romantic fairytale of purity and waiting for the one you wanted to marry. I did want that. I, however, seemed to be the only one. Many of my friends had sexual relationships in high school. A concept I found off putting. For some reason, that wasn’t for me. I stayed a virgin all through-out high school and I remember telling one of my friends, “I really respect all of you that are given the opportunity to say yes to sex and yet you say no.” I hadn’t really ever had anyone interested in me except my first boyfriend ever. And he never pushed it. I told him once that I wasn’t interested in that and he left it at that respectfully the duration of our 6 month relationship. After that I did not have another boyfriend until I moved to Oklahoma. It was with that guy that I said yes and it was with that guy that I got pregnant. I so easily abandoned my 18 year value. My deepest heart’s desire was to be in love. If having sex is what it was going to take to feel loved, then I was okay with giving that away. After all, everyone else seemed to only give me static about the fact that I was “still a virgin at 18”. It was a whole other level of people looking down on me, calling me naive, and calling me a prude. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to be an outsider anymore. I am mad that society perpetuated this idea that love was the answer, worldly love at that. Half-truths in my opinion are just as bad a flat out lie. Yes love is important, yes love is the key, but it is the source of the love that matters most. ONLY love from Jesus Christ will satisfy that desire. I let society tell me how I should be, what I should think, and what I should strive for. I am stronger than that. I didn’t know better, but I know now. It is my hope to educate others to wake up and see what the media is trying to really sell you, what are they programming you to believe, to value, to desire. If you can open your eyes to the manipulation that is all around you and call it out, figure out what you want for yourself and just keep going. Abortion is not a single event that is over and done and you never think about it again. You will always remember that day.
I ended up naming that child that opened my womb. I named him Brandon James, because I liked the way it sounded. Even though I didn’t know it was a boy. I just felt like it was and live with that notation still to this day. I wanted to do something that would honor his memory, especially with the 17th of October just around the corner. I now know that he is in heaven, with God, and I am his mother. I know that I am so sorry for the decision that I made, and I my only peace and joy comes from knowing I will see him again one day. Yes, I will. I am going to go to heaven because I gave my life to Christ and he forgives me of all my sins. I am redeemed. I also know that the GREAT LOVE I have for Jesus is hugely accredited to the fact that I have been GREATLY FORGIVEN.

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GfG February 21, 2014 at 8:22 pm

((((Jessica)))
Thank you for posting your story. Yes, I agree that we must share the love of Christ and the truth that it is His love that saves us, blesses us, and starts tearing down the brokenness in our lives. I agree!
There are people though who are in the trenches sharing this with kids, teens, and young people (and old!). There are there. They are just stifled in the public school, where most of them are.
I agree that we have to raise our children differently than our culture. It’s part of the reason we homeschool, why we don’t allow social dating, and why we study the Bible together as a family. All of that is counter cultural.
I am blessed by your story. I understand all the “memory gaps”. It’s common when something is so altering to blank out. I too had to have the Rhogam shot and didn’t understand it. Sooooo much to that day. And yes, it affects you forever.
I’m grateful you are a new creation in Christ!
love, Mindy

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Susie February 5, 2016 at 12:36 pm

A poignant and God breathed example of the effects of abortion and a story of redemption through God’s love, grace and mercy.

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Tracy February 21, 2014 at 1:11 pm

My story although long starts because of a breakup.
My boyfriend/fiance of 4 years, decided that he needed to “sow his oats”. All I could think was that this was my “soul mate” who just dumped me this way. I felt less of myself, humiliated. All I remember after that is going out, drinking,I became permiscuous. I was doing things that I would never have done. Why? because my father was a minister. I knew better.
On a certain night, my friend and I got a ride home with one of the guys that we knew. This guy claimed to have a crush on me. All I craved was the attention and one thing led to another. a month later I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I called the guy and found out he was now ingaged and didnt want anything to do with me or with my “condition” all he wanted was it to be taken care of. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to handle it. A friend made the appointment for me and it was a blurr. It was as if I was out of my body looking at what was happening. The clinic we went to was not very friendly, but cold. When I was called back, the Dr rolled in and said it would be quick. When they took me out, the had me sleep it off in a big recovery room where other girls were. I remember waking up and calling the guy to only hear him laughing with his now fiance and thanking me. thanking me.
It took me a long time to heal. Part of me felt like God wouldnt forgive me, but once that part of my left ended. I shut that door and I never wanted to look back. But its still there. the difference is that I have Jesus who walks with me and holds me and reminds me that my baby is in heaven. I believe that there is a part of me that still heals and its been 12 years already.
I think that God was so merciful because before the abortion I had a dream of a little girl.Because of that dream, I truely believe that had I had my baby it would have been a girl.

Today, I am a proud mama of a 9 yr old and an 8 year old. On mothers day every year, I remember that I have another child in heaven, and she is playing with other children. And I cant wait to meet her. :)

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GfG February 21, 2014 at 8:25 pm

(((Tracy)) Thank you for sharing!!
Oh, how my heart breaks for the girl you were. I am so blessed to hear that Christ has brought you to a place of forgiveness and fellowship with him.
I, too, can’t wait to meet my daughter who would be 23 now.
Grace is beautiful, isn’t it?!
love, Mindy

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robyn August 4, 2014 at 6:53 pm

i have had three abortions, three children and three miscarriages. i have had many friends who have had abortions, children and multiple miscarriages. NONE OF THEM REGRET THEIR ABORTIONS. we ALL mourn our miscarriages, the loss of a wanted, planned, prayed for child. but the abortions? the contraception mistakes? the ‘i was drunk so maybe it wasn’t rape’? the ‘there is something wrong but we don’t know how bad, we doubt it is viable’? the ‘if i have another baby i will be homeless with the kids i already have’? no regrets, just relief. i dare you to print this.

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GfG August 5, 2014 at 7:38 pm

Praying for you all, Robyn.

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